Sugar, Questions, Emptiness, and Soul

There is sugar pumping through my veins. It keeps my physical world alive -- hunger, thirst, energy, exhaustion. There is sugar in my lips and in the tips of my fingers, sugar when I swallow and when I close my eyelids. It reminds me of my existence, that I am a tangible, breakable being. I take up space. Sugar tells me I am here. Here, sugar tells me I am.

But coursing through my veins are also questions. Questions, so many questions! They are aggressive and often fight for room. Sometimes the little ones get pushed out of the way and find the need to hide in the crevices of my brain. Which is a shame, because then they never find their answer. But every question is important and deserves some company.

What is "happy?"

This little fellow has yet to be paired with its answer. Believe me, I've tried. I've held family meetings with my heart and my mind, but they can never agree on what advice to find, and often, I'm left with more questions inside.

My heart says "happy" is peace and joy, and boy, I wish it were that easy. My mind says it means "constistent" and "steady" but if that were the case I'd be happy already...

So you see my problem, then. If I could just get my heart to agree with my mind, then maybe I would be "happy" all the time, instead of in bits and pieces. But I tend to let "lonely" get in the way, then "self-doubt" and "shame" think they have a say, and by the time "happy" arrives at the scene, it solemnly refuses to stay.

Meanwhile the questions are growing and growing, and without me even knowing, they grow to full size. They bump into "lonely" and "self-doubt" and "shame" and latch on to form endless chains and trains and then it gets messy and tangled, which is no surprise.

But today Mukeshbhai shows us meditation.

 He says to release all negativity, and only make space for true positivity, for good energy is the only medication. I feel sick, then, invaded, infected, contagious, because I realise how much bad energy I keep inside. But I guess the only way to improve is to try, so I take deep breaths and slowly clear my brain of all tangled thoughts and questions and chains.

And now, in this moment, I feel a bit empty.

Uninhabited. Abandoned.

But I also feel relieved. Willing. Ready. Because even though the messiness has started to clear, I feel the sugar in my bones and feel quite lucky to be here, and my mind and my heart can finally take off time from trying to keep all my thoughts in line.

Which finally brings me to soul.

What is "soul?"

Soul is where "happy" can go. Soul is a place that allows me to grow. Soul is where small questions don't have to hide.

And right now, that is what's stirring inside.

--Isa